Dos and Dont's for Husbands or Significant Others of Someone with an Eating Disorder

DO:

Do go to the Healthy Within Family Support meeting that tells you how to support your loved one. Free Family and Friends ANAD Eating Disorder Support Group - Thursdays:  from 7:00-8:00pm. You do not need to call ahead to attend these meetings, they are offered free of charge and we welcome you to the support and encouragement offered here at Healthy Within. As the support group is professionally facilitated, please be assured that the group is conducted in a safe, supportive and professional manner. Our goal is to minimize competitiveness and have the meeting be a place of encouragement, hope and support - not a "triggering" environment for you. We tend to have strict guidelines about not talking about numbers and "tricks" (For directions CLICK HERE).

Do examine your own attitudes and beliefs concerning food, eating, body size and appearance.

Do understand that this is a serious, life-threatening illness - not just a call for attention, a fad, simple dieting, or an act of stubbornness.

Do learn to listen without judgment and look to the emotion beneath her complains about food and body size.

Do validate her feelings and perceptions even if you do not agree with them. They are her reality and are causing her pain.

Do help her to become aware of her dichotomous (black and white) thinking, inconsistencies, and confusion concerning her beliefs and actions.

Do help her with household chores - especially those that involve children, cooking, cleanup, and shopping for food.

Do eat together (if you have children, include the whole family) - even if she balks at this at first.

Do get support for yourself - being a supporter is often draining and hard work. Participate in therapy together.

Do separate the eating disorder from your loved one as well as other aspects of your lives and relationship.

Do try to empower her to recognize her strengths and capabilities.

Do support and encourage her in her decisions to make changes - especially ones of career, school or relationships. Previous choices may have been made to please or live up to the expectations of others.

Do love her unconditionally.

DON'T:

Don't talk to her about weight and body size - it is a no win situation.

Don't talk about other people's bodies and weight. It will be internalized as a personal message even if it was not meant to be.

Don't put her in situations, or with people, where constant talk is about food, diet, and exercise.

Don't fight about the illness.

Don't try to find a rational answer to an irrational problem.

Don't assume the role of food police - it could backfire and cause her to eat less or more. Instead, assume a supportive role to help brainstorm and problem-solve her food issues.

Don't question her each day about what she ate or if she purged. Instead ask, "How was your day?" which will give you a pretty accurate barometer, if you have encouraged honesty, as to what she really needs and feels.

Don't make the eating disorder the only topic of conversation and focus. Try to maintain a social and "normal" life outside the illness.

Don't wrongfully accuse her of lying about everything in your relationship because she has lied about her eating disorder behaviors. Understand that this is most often done out of shame, guilt, and fear and is a symptom of the disorder - not necessarily character.

Don't believe that you can cure or "fix" her. Recovery from an eating disorder needs professional help. She needs you as a supporter not a therapist.

Don't be simplistic as to why she has developed and maintained her eating disorder - it is a complicated illness.

*Source: Eating Disorders Today, Winter 2005